I didn't see that coming!!

Do you ever look at another person's trials and think I am so glad that is not me, or that will never happen to me?  Well this week I was giving some pretty shocking news that will forever change my life and I will never think again, that won't happen to me.  This past week I was diagnosed with breast cancer!!  Never in a million years did I expect that to be me, especially right now in my life.  I am only 34 years old and have no family history of breast cancer.  I was only getting a mammogram to prove to my soon to be life insurance company that they lump in my breast was only a fibrous cyst. After the mammogram the doctor told me he was 95% sure it was nothing, but just to make 100% sure, he recommended that I get a biopsy of the lump.  I went in on Monday and got that taken care of and was really not worried at all.  Thursday afternoon they scheduled me to come in a get my results.  I was so confident it was going to be negative.  I was not scared or nervous or anything.  In fact Tyler and the kids stayed in the car and I planned on just running in there really quick getting my negative results and running back out and continuing on our way.  When I sat down and the first thing they say is we are sorry and very shocked ourselves, but your test results came back positive.  I can not even tell you the wave of shock and emotion that came over me.  It was one of the most numbing experiences of my life.  I immediately stopped them and said I need to call my husband.  The lady then kindly dialed Tyler's cell phone and asked him if he would please come down, that his wife needed him.  The kids were left in the lobby and looked after by some of the staff.  Tyler knew right away as soon as he got the call and was just as shocked by the news as I was.  With Tyler's arm around me the lady continued on to say that we are lucky we caught it so early, and that this is the best possible diagnosis we could receive given the circumstances. She also said, there is a 99% survival rate and while yes it will be a hard and scary road for the next little while everything is looking positive.  She has an appointment set up for me to meet with a surgeon next Wednesday to discuss where we will go from here.  I will have to get a lumpectomy and then most likely go through some radiation treatments.  Because we found it so early though I shouldn't have to have any chemo.  She also helped me get set up with a lady that is hopefully going to be able to help us financially, as we do not have any health insurance.  After we talked with her for awhile longer, we brought the kids in and talked to them for a few minutes.  We didn't want to scare them and tell them that Mommy had cancer, so we just said that Mommy is sick and we will need them to be extra good and helpful for the next little while why Mommy is getting better.  So I would ask that you please be respectful of that and don't talk about it in front of your kids as well.  I just really don't want it getting back to my kids from anyone except us when we feel the time is right.  

After leaving the Dr.'s office I was rather numb for the rest of the night.  One thing though that I couldn't help thinking about were all the blessings I was now able to see fall into place.  The timing of so many different things over the past week happened so perfectly as to prevent us from making some pretty big choices that would now leave us in a bind had things not worked out they way they did down to the minute.  

Now that I have had a few days to reflect on it I am feeling pretty positive about it myself.  It has definitely changed my out look on life and what things are important to me.  Not that my family wasn't important before, but they have become even more of my #1 priority.  I have also realized even more than I already knew how much of an amazing husband I have.  I could never do this without him.  He has taken such good care of me and I know that he will continue to be at my side through out this whole thing.  He has already worked out his work schedule for the winter so as to be close and available any time I need him there.  That is another blessing that this is happening during the winter months so that Tyler is able to be home when I need him.  I am grateful to his bosses for being willing to work with us and give him the time he needs for his family.  They have always been so good to us.  And to the rest of my friends and family that have already stepped up and offered to help in anyway possible, I am so grateful.  I have the most wonderful support group around me and know for certain that I will be greatly blessed through this whole process.  For those of you finding out about this through my blog, I apologize, but it is just to draining to call everyone and tell them.  I have cried about all the tears I can cry and my eyes have been stinging since I found out.  

Thank You again for all the support I have and will continue to receive,  but more importantly thank you to my Savior for watching over me and continually blessing me beyond measure.  I am in awe of the love I feel all around me because of him.

Addiction

Hi my name is Christa and I am addicted to food. 

 I am sure this doesn't really come as a shock to anyone, but I have recently realized the level that this addiction goes to and that it really truly is a real addiction.  Last week I attended my first addiction recovery class, put on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I know I have come such a long way on this journey and everyone says you can do it, keep up the good work, look at everything you have accomplished already which yes is all true, but it doesn't really help me get over what the bigger problem is.  FOOD!!  I am ashamed to admit that it has been all consuming lately, like bad.  I think about it all the time.  I eat it in private so no one can see what I am really eating and I hide it so no one knows that I have it.  I am embarrassed by it, but feel that I just can't get a hold of it right now.  I have always known that I have had a problem with food, but until recently didn't realize the depth of it.  I will have these amazing thoughts of motivation and will power and then 5 minutes later I am stuffing my face with chips and cookies.  I have become numb to it and feel like I don't have any control over it.  That is why I have decided to start going to the addiction class.  Last week was my first class and I really enjoyed it.  I didn't speak up or say anything about myself because honestly I felt a little bit like a fraud being there with all these other people with substance abuse problems, but listening to what they have to say about how they are getting over their addictions, really was inspiring.  I do know that it is a real, but it just seems so silly compared to other peoples struggles.  How hard could it be compared to drinking or doing drugs.  I have thought a lot about it this past week and realized that maybe it is even harder than that.  You can quit drinking cold turkey, but you can't stop eating.  Food is EVERYWHERE you go it is an hourly struggle to make good choices.  I am not entirely sure how I am going to get over this, but I know that I am not going to give up.  I am going to continue to learn and know that I will be able to push past this.  The biggest thing I have learned this past week is that I can not, nor do I have to do it alone.  I have a savior that is always there waiting to help me and wants to help me.  Through daily prayer and study I know that he will comfort me and strengthen me and lift me up over this trial.  I want this so badly, but just can't seem to access the part of my brain that will let me allow it to happen.  So I will continue to push forward never giving up, constantly learning, and hopefully one day I will have it all figured out, or at least enough to get me through.

I'm Baaaack!!

So in my last post I mentioned that for some reason I had it in my head that I could not start back until the kids went back to school and we got on a better schedule.  Well I am happy to say that the kids have been back in school for a week now and I am doing and feeling great.  It is amazing how powerful the mind can be.  I was terrible up until the day the kids started school and then something switched on in my brain and we are back on track.  That is something huge I have learned along this journey.  Our minds are very powerful things.  I just hope I can continue to figure it out so I can have even better control of what I put in there, or maybe more importantly try to figure out how to get things out of it that have been programmed into it for so long.  We are definitely making progress though.  

So this past week I got in a lot of great exercise and have not felt so sore in quite sometime.  Tuesday night I really tried to talk myself out of exercising.  I had gone to a funeral earlier that day and was really just exhausted.  Thankfully I realized that skipping a workout was not the best way to get back on track.  So I laced up my running shoes that night at 9:00 and went out for a nice run.  Then on Wednesday I went to the gym in the morning and attended a class called muscle fusion, and let me you, that kicked my butt.  I was so sore for two days afterwards, but I loved it and can't wait to go again this week.  Thursday morning I went out running again.  Friday I was lucky and got to tag along with a friend on a beautiful hike.  We hiked Ogden canyon falls for 2 and 1/2 hours and I could barely walk later that night.  But is was so beautiful and I can't wait to go some more.  Luckily my hiking partner was very patient and had to do a lot of waiting around for me to keep up with her.  Thank you again Jen for a great day!!  

This was me reaching the top!!

 Views from the top. 

 The waterfall is kind of hard to see since there is not a lot water this time of year.

Then lastly on Saturday morning I ran in the Layton Classic 5K.  It was a really pretty course but uphill for at least 75% of it.  It was a bit brutal on my legs that were already killing from hiking the day before.  But I am happy to say that I was able to complete it again with no stopping or walking.  My time was about a minute slower than the last two, but considering the uphill course, I am happy with that.  I would like to go and run the race again but do it backwards and see how much faster I can do it on the down hill side.  :) Another fun thing about this race is that my kids competed in the kids K following my race.  It has been fun getting the whole family involved on my journey.  Tyler has told me that he will run a 5K with me when I reach my 100lb mark.  He says he is not a runner but he will do it for me as a reward for my accomplishment.  He better start training because I will definitely hold him to that.  

I still love that running gives me something to work towards and the sense of accomplishment.  I can't wait to feel what it feels like to run with all this weight off of my body.  I imagine myself gliding through the air, OK it probably won't be that easy but I am looking forward to it still.

This next week my goals are to exercise each morning right after the kids leave for school, and then to have dinner figured out before they return home from school.  I have been looking for some new recipes and am so looking forward to fall and all the yummy soups and such that go along with it.  If you have any healthy fall favorites, please send them my way. 

 And thank you again to those of you that still follow along and keep supporting me on this journey.  It is a long road and I could not do it alone.  Your words of encouragement mean so much to me.

Trying to figure it out!!

So I realize I have not blogged in a long time and that primarily has to do with the fact that I have not been doing so hot lately.  This summer has been so crazy busy and we are constantly on the move that I have just pretty much failed completely.  I just kind of got tired of blogging about how I am good one week and then blow it the next.  That is how it has been all summer long, and it really has got me down lately.  All of the internal negative mental junk that I thought I got figured out in the beginning is starting to creep back into my head and making it really difficult to succeed.  I keep telling myself that once school starts I will be able to get back on track and get on a good schedule.  Then I have this internal struggle with myself about that and end up eating like crap and telling myself it is OK because once school starts I will be back on track, but then I end up feeling guilty for eating like crap, which then turns into no good negative self talk, which then makes me just want to eat more.  Ugh, it is one big vicious cycle that I just can't seem to break free of.  Does anyone else out there experience feelings like this and figured out how to pull through it.  I am totally not giving up, I am just tired and looking for ways to re-energize my drive and motivation.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  

And just so this post isn't a total downer, here are a couple pictures of some successes I have had this summer.

I completed my second 5K and Tyler's awesome sister Heidi came and ran it with me.  Thanks again Heidi, it was a lot of fun to have someone to run with.  I am running my third race in three weeks.  I guess I better start running again if I am going to make it.

 

I also went through and cleaned out my closet and was able to get rid of about 75% of my clothes because they no longer fit me.  Afterwards I went and did a little shopping and was very happy to learn that I could fit into an Old Navy XL shirt, super exciting.  The down side to that is that shopping takes so much longer now that there is 10 times more clothes to choose from instead of the usual 2 racks of plus size they have at most stores.  I think I will be able to get over that inconvenience pretty quick though.

This is everything I got rid of.

And  this is what my closet looked like with everything missing.  Most of the stuff left is borderline stuff, but I couldn't get rid of everything.  Definitely time to fill it back up again.

 So wish me luck and hopefully I can snap out of the funk and get back into being the great me that I know I can be.

Feeling Good!!

So today was weigh in day and I am so excited with the number I saw on the scale this morning.  Since my turn around on Sunday, I have lost 9lbs.  Yes that is right 9lbs. since Sunday!!  Woot woot!!  I was able to finally break through that 80lb. plateau and also get into the next 10 digit.  My total weight loss thus far is now 83.4lbs gone forever.  No more back and forth crap with that 80lb. mark I just couldn't break.  I can't tell you what a good thing that has done for my head to know that I have finally broken through that. I can also say that I am more than half way to my goal.  I am feeling so strong and motivated.  I can't wait to bust through the next 80lbs. 

Tomorrow morning I run my second 5K, and then start to train for a 10K that I will be running in September.  I have never been a runner before and I know I have said this before, but I just love how running races, gives me something to work towards and gives me such an amazing feeling of accomplishment.  My goal is to run a half marathon next year sometime.  Thank you again to those of you who have pushed me into running and helped support me so much along the way.  There is no way I would running right now if it wasn't for you guys.  Love Ya!!

My next big goal is to hit that  100lb. mark in the next 6 weeks.  My parents are coming in town for a big extended family anniversary party for my grandparents and all my aunts and uncles and cousins will be there and the last time I saw any of them was Christmas time about a week into this journey.  Really I just can't wait to be able to say it, "I have lost 100 pounds."  That is going to be a happy day.  Also I told my hubby that he has to take me away for an overnight date somewhere when I hit that 100lb mark too.  We don't get away much just the two of us so I am SUPER excited for that as well.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!!  I encourage all of you to get out there and do something active.

What's on the menu Wednesday!!

I decided I need to do better at updating the blog and hope that it will help keep me motivated to keep going.  So I decided that every Wednesday I will post a new recipe or something to do with food.  I am happy to report that since I have been back on track I have been doing really good.  I took a sneak peak at the scale this morning and was very happy with what I saw.  I won't tell you today, but will make you wait until my official weigh in day on Friday.  

So for today's What's on the Menu Wednesday I am going to share two different recipes with you that I have made recently.  The first one is a chicken marinade that I made the other night for a BBQ we had.  It is called Grilled Island Chicken and I found the recipe on Pinterest.  It was super yummy and the chicken stayed very moist and was very flavorful.  I think it would be great with some grilled pineapple.

Grilled Island Chicken

1/3 cup vegetable oil

3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice (from about 1-2 lemons)

1 ½ tablespoons soy sauce

1 clove garlic, finely minced

½ teaspoon dried oregano

¼ teaspoon salt

¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

2-4 chicken breasts

Combine all ingredients except chicken in a mixing bowl or large airtight plastic bag. Whisk or shake well until the marinade is well mixed. Add the chicken breasts to the bowl or plastic bag so that they are covered by the marinade. If using a bowl, cover tightly with plastic wrap. If using a plastic bag, press out all the excess air and seal the bag tightly. Refrigerate and marinate up to 10 hours (I would suggest marinading for at least 3 hours at the minimum).

Preheat a gas or charcoal grill to medium heat. Grill the chicken for 6-7 minutes per side (depending on how thick the chicken breasts are), until the chicken is no longer pink in the center (if you have a meat thermometer, the chicken should register 165 degrees). Tent with foil and let the chicken rest for about five minutes before serving.

Alternately, the chicken can be baked using the following directions:

When ready to cook the chicken, preheat the oven to 350° F. Place the chicken breasts in a baking dish and pour the excess marinade over them. Bake in the oven until cooked through and the internal temperature reaches 165° F, about 45 minutes (exact baking time will depend on the size of your chicken pieces.) Remove from the oven and let rest for 5 minutes before serving.

Recipe Source: from melskitchencafe.com

The other recipe is just a snack that I made up but have been really enjoying, probably a little bit too much.  It is a dip for my apples.  I don't have any exact measurements or anything so you will have to judge it based on your preferences.  I take about 2 Tbl. peanut butter, add a good squirt of honey, a bit of cinnamon (I like a lot of it), and a handful of oats.  Stir it all up and dip your apples it and enjoy this super yummy snack.

I hope you enjoy these!!  Let me know what you think of them if you try them.

Back On Track!!

I have been stuck in a MAJOR rut lately, and I am ready to break out.  I have lost and gained back the same 5 lbs about 4 times now and have really not progressed much in the past two months.  I don't know if I can really say I have hit a plateau or not, because honestly I have not been trying very hard.  I have a bad week and then the next week I do better and I have been going back and forth like this for almost 2 months now.  I talked to a friend the other day who is on this same journey and has been struggling lately too and she said that she feels like she is struggling because she is getting too comfortable.  She can fit into a seat at the movies, or the dentist office now, her clothes fit her better, and she is just a regular fat person as opposed to a really fat person.  She is happy with what she has accomplished and feels better than she did so she is just getting comfortable with being THAT kind of person.  I totally agreed with her, that is exactly how I have been feeling.  I feel SO much better than I used to, and I have come a long way and accomplished many things.  It is such a hard journey and it has only gotten harder and I was starting to get too comfortable with this new person I have transformed into.  That doesn't sound like such a bad thing except I know myself too well and I started to sabotage myself and have been eating terribly.  I know that if I give up now and allow myself to just be comfortable with this new person, I will quickly turn back into that old person I left in the dust.  I have been trying to convince myself that I can keep going but for some reason, just can't find the motivation that I had in the beginning.  Then last night at a very random time the thought very clearly came to me and said, you are not done with this journey.  Yes you have run a 5K and can fit into some clothes in the regular section at some stores, but this is not where you wanted to get too.  You have to keep going.  Your husband and children who have supported you so much deserve more from you than this.  Dust yourself off and keep going.  You can do it.  Right then I turned to my husband and said, tomorrow is a new day and I am going to get back on track, I can do this.  He is the most amazing supportive husband I could ask for.  He said to me, OK so what do you need to do to set yourself up for success this week.  We sat and talked about things that I need to work on, such as planning ahead for dinners, and scheduling time to exercise.  I told him that I can not do this alone and I need his help.  Speaking of needing help, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying over the past couple of weeks as I have been trying to pull out of this funk.  I kept thinking why am I not getting help, why can't I figure this out and come out of this.  I realize now that I have had the answer all along, but I have just not been doing my part in it.  I have been totally lazy about everything and sat around waiting for everything to magically change.  I think I have just been afraid of the next half of this journey for some reason and have been looking for excuses to fail instead of reasons to succeed.  I realize now, that I have come WAY to far to stop now.  I can not allow myself to be happy with where I am at.  I have bigger goals for myself and I will never accomplish them if I just sit around being happy with where I am at now.  I am worth it and I deserve to accomplish everything I set myself out to do.  At church today I was looking up scriptures that had to do with strength and came across this one, that I know is going to be a huge source of strength for me as I go forward: 

Mosiah 24:14-15  

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

What an amazing answer for me.  I can not tell you how much strength and peace this is going to bring to me.  I know without a doubt that I am doing the right thing for me and my family.  I will never be alone on this journey.  I have the most amazing cheerleaders on my side.