I didn't see that coming!!

Do you ever look at another person's trials and think I am so glad that is not me, or that will never happen to me?  Well this week I was giving some pretty shocking news that will forever change my life and I will never think again, that won't happen to me.  This past week I was diagnosed with breast cancer!!  Never in a million years did I expect that to be me, especially right now in my life.  I am only 34 years old and have no family history of breast cancer.  I was only getting a mammogram to prove to my soon to be life insurance company that they lump in my breast was only a fibrous cyst. After the mammogram the doctor told me he was 95% sure it was nothing, but just to make 100% sure, he recommended that I get a biopsy of the lump.  I went in on Monday and got that taken care of and was really not worried at all.  Thursday afternoon they scheduled me to come in a get my results.  I was so confident it was going to be negative.  I was not scared or nervous or anything.  In fact Tyler and the kids stayed in the car and I planned on just running in there really quick getting my negative results and running back out and continuing on our way.  When I sat down and the first thing they say is we are sorry and very shocked ourselves, but your test results came back positive.  I can not even tell you the wave of shock and emotion that came over me.  It was one of the most numbing experiences of my life.  I immediately stopped them and said I need to call my husband.  The lady then kindly dialed Tyler's cell phone and asked him if he would please come down, that his wife needed him.  The kids were left in the lobby and looked after by some of the staff.  Tyler knew right away as soon as he got the call and was just as shocked by the news as I was.  With Tyler's arm around me the lady continued on to say that we are lucky we caught it so early, and that this is the best possible diagnosis we could receive given the circumstances. She also said, there is a 99% survival rate and while yes it will be a hard and scary road for the next little while everything is looking positive.  She has an appointment set up for me to meet with a surgeon next Wednesday to discuss where we will go from here.  I will have to get a lumpectomy and then most likely go through some radiation treatments.  Because we found it so early though I shouldn't have to have any chemo.  She also helped me get set up with a lady that is hopefully going to be able to help us financially, as we do not have any health insurance.  After we talked with her for awhile longer, we brought the kids in and talked to them for a few minutes.  We didn't want to scare them and tell them that Mommy had cancer, so we just said that Mommy is sick and we will need them to be extra good and helpful for the next little while why Mommy is getting better.  So I would ask that you please be respectful of that and don't talk about it in front of your kids as well.  I just really don't want it getting back to my kids from anyone except us when we feel the time is right.  

After leaving the Dr.'s office I was rather numb for the rest of the night.  One thing though that I couldn't help thinking about were all the blessings I was now able to see fall into place.  The timing of so many different things over the past week happened so perfectly as to prevent us from making some pretty big choices that would now leave us in a bind had things not worked out they way they did down to the minute.  

Now that I have had a few days to reflect on it I am feeling pretty positive about it myself.  It has definitely changed my out look on life and what things are important to me.  Not that my family wasn't important before, but they have become even more of my #1 priority.  I have also realized even more than I already knew how much of an amazing husband I have.  I could never do this without him.  He has taken such good care of me and I know that he will continue to be at my side through out this whole thing.  He has already worked out his work schedule for the winter so as to be close and available any time I need him there.  That is another blessing that this is happening during the winter months so that Tyler is able to be home when I need him.  I am grateful to his bosses for being willing to work with us and give him the time he needs for his family.  They have always been so good to us.  And to the rest of my friends and family that have already stepped up and offered to help in anyway possible, I am so grateful.  I have the most wonderful support group around me and know for certain that I will be greatly blessed through this whole process.  For those of you finding out about this through my blog, I apologize, but it is just to draining to call everyone and tell them.  I have cried about all the tears I can cry and my eyes have been stinging since I found out.  

Thank You again for all the support I have and will continue to receive,  but more importantly thank you to my Savior for watching over me and continually blessing me beyond measure.  I am in awe of the love I feel all around me because of him.

Addiction

Hi my name is Christa and I am addicted to food. 

 I am sure this doesn't really come as a shock to anyone, but I have recently realized the level that this addiction goes to and that it really truly is a real addiction.  Last week I attended my first addiction recovery class, put on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I know I have come such a long way on this journey and everyone says you can do it, keep up the good work, look at everything you have accomplished already which yes is all true, but it doesn't really help me get over what the bigger problem is.  FOOD!!  I am ashamed to admit that it has been all consuming lately, like bad.  I think about it all the time.  I eat it in private so no one can see what I am really eating and I hide it so no one knows that I have it.  I am embarrassed by it, but feel that I just can't get a hold of it right now.  I have always known that I have had a problem with food, but until recently didn't realize the depth of it.  I will have these amazing thoughts of motivation and will power and then 5 minutes later I am stuffing my face with chips and cookies.  I have become numb to it and feel like I don't have any control over it.  That is why I have decided to start going to the addiction class.  Last week was my first class and I really enjoyed it.  I didn't speak up or say anything about myself because honestly I felt a little bit like a fraud being there with all these other people with substance abuse problems, but listening to what they have to say about how they are getting over their addictions, really was inspiring.  I do know that it is a real, but it just seems so silly compared to other peoples struggles.  How hard could it be compared to drinking or doing drugs.  I have thought a lot about it this past week and realized that maybe it is even harder than that.  You can quit drinking cold turkey, but you can't stop eating.  Food is EVERYWHERE you go it is an hourly struggle to make good choices.  I am not entirely sure how I am going to get over this, but I know that I am not going to give up.  I am going to continue to learn and know that I will be able to push past this.  The biggest thing I have learned this past week is that I can not, nor do I have to do it alone.  I have a savior that is always there waiting to help me and wants to help me.  Through daily prayer and study I know that he will comfort me and strengthen me and lift me up over this trial.  I want this so badly, but just can't seem to access the part of my brain that will let me allow it to happen.  So I will continue to push forward never giving up, constantly learning, and hopefully one day I will have it all figured out, or at least enough to get me through.